Zero to Awkward

It had been awhile since I'd been on the dating scene, so I was pretty excited for what I thought would be a promising date. We did the email dance for a bit. "Where'd you go to school? You like Baskin Robbins Winter White Chocolate too?!" You know the drill. So, when he suggested dinner for our first date, I had a pang of anxiety and a jolt of excitement. Excitement for the fact that this dude was willing to commit to a full meal before actually meeting me (could this mean that he would maybe commit to me for life as well?). And anxiety because a full, lengthy meal with a blind date who you know five minutes into meeting will not be making it to date #2 can be torture. But in the spirit of positivity and all that other crap, I was in. So, it was set: 7:30, Wednesday, Quartino. But, to tell you what happened next, I need to give you a little back story.

K, as we will refer to him, is an Illini. He's 31, lives in Lakeview, has a dog AND he's tall. Truly, perfect on paper. His spelling and grammar in emails were impeccable. (A sick turn on for me.) He wanted to have a bet between us for the Michigan/Illinois game. (Competition AND collegiate sports all wrapped into one? Sign me up.) So, based on our previous Baskin Robbins Winter White Chocolate conversation, we settled on ice cream as the prize for the game winner. Sort of third grade; sort of endearing. I went with it.

Flash forward to Tuesday (day before the date). K sent the obligatory (although largely forgotten gesture by most men/boys) text, "Looking forward to tomorrow." All systems seemed to be GO.

And then Wednesday came.

At 5:04 p.m. (that's 2 1/2 hrs until date time), I received the following text:

"Hey, what do you think about getting ice cream? I had to push back my dentist appointment, and didn't eat before the cleaning, so I just had a bite to eat. Maybe we can do Quartino next time..."

Go ahead, folks. Go back and read that again a few times. I know I did.

And here were the thoughts that went through my mind:

1. If you knew you were eating at 7:30, why did you mow down on whatever you did at 5 and not, instead, have a snack to tide you over?
2. You're a dude, right? You really can't muster up some hunger again three hours after eating?
3. I don't do sans-imbibing dates when I'm meeting someone for the first time. It's a cardinal rule.
4. It's freezing. I don't want ice cream.
5. WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME ANY OF THIS?

Shouldn't he have just sucked it up, shut up and met me at 7:30? I'm sure he could have eaten enough for me to not accuse him of being anos (anorexic). I literally sat stunned for a bit, because I wasn't sure how to respond. I was less disappointed and more pissed. I wore heels to work, damnit! So, I responded with this:

"I need to eat dinner so I guess we could meet at 8. And I'd rather get a drink."

Simple, to the point. Or so I thought. His response:

"I'm trying to cut back on the boozing...And I'm having a shitty day. Would you rather just reschedule?"

Let's go through the numbered-points exercise again, shall we?

1. Aren't we all trying to cut back on the boozing in one way or another? Don't tell me that. Just show up, have one drink instead of five and give yourself a pat on the back that you didn't black out on a Wednesday when you get home.
2. It's November. This is when I ramp up my boozing...all the way into the new year when I go to the gym on Jan 1 and feel as though I've accomplished something great...not only for myself or my country, but the world.
3. We're not dating and yet, I'm already bearing the brunt of your "shitty day"? Sign me up for more of that!
4. Would I rather reschedule? Well, you're a combo of Sober Sally and Debbie Downer tonight, so I'm thinking, yeah.
5. Did you just use "shitty" in a text message before we've even met?

So, at that point, I came to the decision that all was lost. But, because I didn't want him to head straight for the Ben & Jerry's in his freezer and drown his sorrows in a pint while watching "Someone Like You," I responded: "Sure" I did not use punctuation to show him just how pissed I was.

So, that was that. What I was really most upset about though was the fact that I was getting a haircut at 6:45 and now would not have a date to showcase my freshly snipped ends and professionally blown out hair. That was the real tragedy.

Until 6:30.

6:30 is the time when I received my second to last text message from K. As it turns out, he was deep into his Heath Bar Crunch pint and had just witnessed Ashley Judd crying over her breakup with Greg Kinnear.

"Sorry about tonight. Was looking forward to meeting you. Hopefully it's not too awkward now :o)"

The only thing that makes a situation awkward is saying that it may or may not be awkward. The only thing that makes that more awkward is sending a follow-up text calling the awkward text mentioning the awkwardness awkward."

7:25 p.m.

"It's too awkward now, isn't it? Wish you the best."

And that my friends, is how you go from zero to awkward in under two hours flat.

I will leave you with a lolcat translation of the last two text messages from K. And let's be honest. They don't sound that much different from the originals:

SRY BOUT TONITE. WUZ LOOKIN FWD 2 MEETIN U. HOPEFULLY IZ NOT 2 AWKWARD NAO :O)

IZ 2 AWKWARD NAO, ISNT IT? WISH U TEH BEST.