The Email that Started it All

From: Sallie

To: Erin

Subj: How was the date with RayHer?

Reader, to give you a little background, RayHer (name has been shortened to protect identity...and any possibility of dating in the future) is a guy I met while out one night with my friend Sallie. We went on one date. ONE. I'll leave it at that and let you learn the rest for yourself below.

Note: All facts in this story are true and have not been embellished or exaggerated. I literally COULD NOT make this stuff up.

MY RESPONSE:

Sallie,

It was good...he picked me up from work and we went to this sushi place in...Lakeview? It was Lincoln and Irving Park called Tank. It was really fantastic, but I was sort of surprised he picked it b/c we went to Second City afterwards. Now, you know I am the planner and like to offer my opinion, but I was really trying to hold my tongue and let him go w/ his plan. (There are about 50 amazing restaurants within 2 blocks of Second City in Old Town. Why were we going so far north?)

So, we drove from my office all the way to Lincoln and Iriving Park and then all the way back down to North and Wells. Whatever.

These are the things I took issue with:

• The sticker on the back window of his very nice Toyota Tacoma truck is of a kid urinating on the New York Yankees logo. Was he serious?
• When he pulled into the parking lot at the restaurant, he parked between two cars in a very tight spot (no joke, there were FIFTY open spots in the lot). I had to shimmy out of the passenger side door. I actually couldn't keep quiet about that one. E: "Wow...this is a tight spot. You see the FIFTY other spots that are open, right?" RayHer: "Yeah, but it will be so much easier to get out afterwards." E: [confused look] (I'm sorry, are we at a Pistons game? Why again do we need an easy out from a restaurant parking lot on a Monday night in frickin' Lakeview...when we came out, no one had parked in any of the empty spots)
• As soon as we sat down, he said, "So, what do you want to get?" He wasn't even talking about a drink, he was talking about the sushi...I don't think I had even taken my coat off yet. In his defense, he was pretty nervous.

I will synopsize the dinner snafus using numbered bullets:

1. He slammed the glass of Sake we each got...very hard to do since it was served in a champagne flute
2. When the waitress delivered the Saki (and his beer), he told her we were ready to order while she was holding a tray in one hand and an empty bottle in the other...she said, "Just let me go grab her beer first." Seriously RayHer? She hasn't even dropped my drink off yet...and you're a freakin' server. Give her a second. Oh, and he poured what was left of his beer in the glass and then chugged the rest out of the bottle. (Not sure I hid my mortification well.)
3. I started asking questions and found out that he's never been to a festival in the summer in Chicago...he's lived here for three years
4. He grew up "not really listening to music" and "doesn't really care for concerts"...CHECK PLEASE!
5. He ordered a second beer...I wasn't even half way through mine
6. Kept looking at his phone for the time b/c the show started at 8. Hmmmm...maybe we shouldn't have driven to Canada for dinner

Back to bullets...

• Okay, so we get back in the car for the road trip back down south. I shimmy back into my seat...probably rubbing salt and dirt all over my beautiful black coat
• Music comes on the radio and I say, "Do you know who this is?" He can't figure it out. Seriously? It's Aerosmith "Livin' on the Edge." I listened to that CD 3,000 times in middle school. This guessing game occurs a few more times (Really? "Jungle Love" by Steve Miller Band doesn't ring a bell? Let me out of this car)
• We get to the theater. He parks in a spot that I don't think is a spot. He does. He claims he's never gotten a ticket. Fine. Park there then. Get towed.
• Oh, forgot to mention that on the ride to dinner and at dinner, he mentioned about 200 times how much he had to drink last night...and that he totally didn't even feel it. "I mean, I was ordering like triple vodka tonics, three at a time at our open bar work party and I was totally fine...like totally. I remember everything...I mean, when I got home, I fell asleep for an hour and then, when I woke up, I puked. But I was totally fine." (I was like, "Did he just tell me that story?")
• Second City was FANTASTIC. They were so funny. RayHer had three Jack and Cokes. He would actually grab the waiter and order them while the show was going on...and not even ask if I wanted a drink. Not cool
• Mid-way through, he started to do the hand on knee, holding my hand, we're in a relationship thing. The most awkward part was his insistence on putting his arm around me b/c he's not very tall and I had to slouch in order for it to "work." I was like, give me some space! I'm trying to watch the show here! I felt like I was in middle school planning to break up w/ a boy, but needed a ride home from the mall from his mom, so had to suck it up.
• Afterwards, I asked him to drop me off at Midas (very hot, I know) b/c my brakes had been worked on and my car was ready to be picked up. I'd take any short cut out of this date...even if it involved a car repair shop parking lot.

So, although he is a very nice guy and paid for everything...it's just not going to work. There are a few things that my seem minor, but in the grand scheme, would make me lose my shiz over time. So, I have to figure out how to fade him out. I asked what days he usually works at the restaurant. He may have thought I was trying to see when he was free. But, I wanted to make sure we can still hit up the $4 burgers and beers on Thursdays at the bar. We can. He's off on Thursdays.

So, that's that. I have a date at Maeve at 8:00 w/ a 24 year-old tonight. As long as he doesn't talk about binge drinking and puking, he may be able to pull out ahead in the race.

xoxo,

E